Twilight in Real Life
by Loco-motion
Summary: One-shot. What happens when the Twilight characters find the Twilight Books? And who is plotting against them? All human.


NPOV (No one's POV and/or Narrator's POV)

Bella stared down at the gothic-looking book in front of her in disgust. "Edward, please burn this or something. I can't stand to look at it for another second."

"Ugh, I'm not touching it," her fiancée replied, cringing away from the wretched volume before them. "Give it to Emmett. Let it kill him."

"Thanks, bro," Emmett smirked sarcastically. "Can't we, like, give it to Carlisle for some sort of…ancient reputation-destroying, humiliating, suicidal-thought-causing book cremation ceremony?"

"Like he'd want to touch it," Alice said, suddenly appearing from behind them. "He and Esme are this close to leaving town."

"Stephenie Meyer is, like, dead," her husband, Jasper, commented. "No one in all of Washington is gonna stand for this."

"I am SO done with being stalked for being the 'infamous Bella Swan'," Bella complained. "It's like, I can't walk down the street without being watched like I'm some sort of freak."

"I agree. It's time to stop all this nonsense," Edward concurred. The others hollered in agreement.

"Woo!" Emmett shouted at the top of his lungs.

"Let's get the bitch," Rosalie sneered.

"Let's get those stalkers," Jasper offered.

"Let's get the hell back to the way we used to be!" shouted Bella. More whoops and exclamations of consent came the reply.

Random Person POV

"OMG!!" I squealed loudly. The librarian shot me a look. I, in return, flipped her the bird. "I, like, saw THE Edward Cullen today!!"

"I KNOW!!" my friend Beth squealed in response. "It's like he's straight out of Twilight!! I mean, the gorgeous hair, those perfect eyes…" Beth's own eyes glazed over as she fell into a dream-like state whilst remembering the beauty of our perfect classmate.

Just at that moment, however, Beth jumped up and screamed at the top of her lungs. The librarian looked at her as though she were trying to extract bullets from her eyeballs. Ooh- so scary. I swear that woman must have been a nun. Probably still a virgin who's never, like, drank or…smoked or…lost her virginity. Wait- did I already say that?

"I have the BEST idea!!" Beth whisper-screamed. The librarian lady still looked pissed, but we paid her no mind. Beth flipped her middle finger at the woman without even looking at her. "Why don't we, like, kidnap them!! That'd be so COOL!!"

I didn't even realize at the time how little point there was to that suggestion. All I saw was time with Edward…by ourselves…_alone…_ I shuddered gleefully. This was gonna be damn fun.

The librarian hissed my name, telling me to come to her desk. I flipped her the bird once more and shouted across the room, "_What_, mom?!"

"So, wait," Charlie began, somewhat befuddled. "You found a book…about _us…_only…we're vampires?" Clearly, Charlie wasn't comprehending

"Well, not _us, _dad," Bella corrected her father. "The Cullens, and Victoria and James and Laurent, and the Volturi family." Then she thought for a second. "Though, I _am_ gonna turn into a vampire after I marry Edward, so…"

"You're MARRYING him?!" Charlie demanded. _Crap._ Fiction or real-life, some things never change.

"Calm down, Charlie, she didn't say that," Edward attempted to cool Charlie off. "Her character in Twilight is."

"So…wait," Bella's father started uncertainly, instantly relaxed. "May I see this book?"

"Erm…not sure you want to, but…" Edward said.

"He deserves to know," Bella replied quietly.

The three of them drove to the library in silence, each in their own world of thoughts. Upon arrival, nobody could get out of the car fast enough.

"We'd like a copy of Twilight by Stephenie Meyer, please?" Edward requested to the librarian inside who was, seemingly, in an extremely bad mood.

"Sorry, that's checked out," the old lady replied coldly. "We do, however, have Eclipse, the third."  
Edward and Bella glanced in horror at each other. That was one book they'd rather Charlie _not _see.

Too late- the librarian already had it for him.

"Hmm" and "Huh" were really the only noises Charlie made on the way home while deeply absorbed in his book.

That is, until he hit Chapter 20: Compromise.

"What the…" Charlie began.

"It's not my fault!!" Bella cried. "It's a work of fiction! Dad, it's seriously a work of fiction. It's a coincidence! I'm clearly a-"

_Ding, dong._

"I'll get it," Edward exclaimed a little too anxiously, obviously wanting to get the hell out of that battle ground.

"Hey, man," Emmett greeted his brother when Edward opened the door. There he stood, along with his wife, sister and brother, and a bunch of really, really big Indian boys.

"There's a battle raging in there," Edward warned, gesturing with his head the general direction of the love of his life and her father. "He's acting like it's real. Like she wrote it; as if she had-"

"He read Chapter 20, didn't he?" Emmett giggled. Edward just nodded.

"So," Jacob Black began, somewhat uncomfortably, from behind the Cullens. "I hear we're giant wolves."

"Yeah," Edward responded. "You guys can all go in if you want, but consider yourselves warned…" They all entered anyway. Figures.

BETHPOV

"Okay, team, we've got a long day ahead of us," I began, pacing, army-sergeant style, before my troops. "I have here a detailed plan up on this board which is up here. If you'll note-" I pointed to my map- "the blue shaded areas have the names Lux, Chris, Jamey, Lila, and Tia next to them. The red areas have the names Callie, Kitty, Francis, Rollie and Danielle. And everything else involves is for me, Candy, and Jo." Everybody applauded. I done good. "Blue and Red teams, your job is simple: stand in any spot within your shaded area, and man that spot. NO LEAVING- clear?" They nodded. "And everyone else…just grab ANY Cullen, Swan, Hale, Whitlock, Brendan, Newton, Stanley, Mallory, Webber, Crowley, or Yorkie you find." The girls all nodded grimly. "Let's go."

NPOV

They were all sitting in the Cullen living room, around one despised volume that everybody preferred NOT to name.

Rosalie spoke first. "I can't believe this!!" she shouted. "I'm a _bitch!!_" She was, clearly, referring to her Twilight character.

"Could be worse," Alice reasoned. "I'm a flippin' fortune-teller! What the hell kinda power is that?!"

"I'm a police officer," Charlie offered quietly.

"I'm a _slut!!"_ Bella shouted. "I beat all of you."

Edward stared at the book with open disdain. "I'm somewhat of a perv, actually," he mused. "So don't feel too bad."

"Yeah, but it gets worse," Bella replied, glaring at Jake. "I'm in love with _him?_"

Jacob sneered right back. "Yeah, well, don't get too used to me returning the feeling. The only reason we're here wasting our time with any of you is because we're here to get the woman who made us giant dogs." The rest of the mongrels- uh, ahem, boys- nodded in agreement.

"You know, she made me suicidal," said Esme.

"And I'm, like, 400 years old!" her husband exclaimed in response.

At that moment, however, a very, very loud knocking on the door, and a bunch of giggles interrupted them.

"Open up!!" demanded a female voice from outside. "Open up! We represent the MCR. Open up!"

"MCR?" Edward asked the others in confusion. "Like, the band?"

Inexplicably, about half the room began humming The Black Parade at the exact same time.

"MCR is _commanding_ you to open this door!" the female outside shouted. "Or we'll be forced to take it down!!"

Edward, sharp as sharp objects, murmured to the others in the room, "I have a feeling we shouldn't open this door."

"I agree. If they weren't some sorta freaks, they wouldn't be bashing on the door the way they are. Let them try to open it."

"Charlie?" asked Billy, who was speaking up for the first time. "Do you have your nightstick?"

"Yeah. Why?"

"I think we're going to need it."

"Billy, I think we need to encourage the children to-" he began to respond in a fatherly tone, but was cut off by a _crash_ as the Cullens' door fell down in front of them. There, three girls stood, one of them looking angry and the other two staring longingly at Edward, Emmett, and Jasper. Bella, Rosalie, and Alice stood in front of them protectively.

"We represent the MCR," the blonde in front repeated.

"Which is…" Emmett prodded.

"Mythical Creature Refuge," was the response.

Everybody cracked up. The three girls burned red. "MYTHICAL…_CREATURE?_" Jasper managed through his hysterics.

"YES," the blonde leader insisted, still flaming scarlet. "You're the Twilight characters."

This brought on a whole new round of laughter.

"You guys…" Emmett began, but Jacob cut him off.

"I suggest you run very, _very_ fast," he threatened the girls. "Or me and my _pack_ will come after you."

"And, uh, so will we," Edward attempted to help. "And we'll call the, um, Vulture-ey."

"You mean Volturi?" one of the other two girls asked, confused.

"That's what I _said_," he sneered in reply. The three girls were terrified.

"And they're off in three, two…"

The girls ran off.


End file.
